I have been challenged over the past several weeks by a
significant case of vertigo. As my
doctor and physical therapist have explained, a virus attacked two nerves in my
inner ear, resulting in a loss of hearing and a loss of equilibrium. The hearing loss is thankfully minor, though
most likely permanent. The loss of
equilibrium is more bothersome, but treatable and correctable with vestibular therapy
and time.
Vestibular therapy is a wonderful example of the Lord’s
glorious creation of our bodies. It
depends on the brain and nervous system’s ability to develop alternate pathways
to regain balance and coordination when those abilities have been compromised
by damage or disease. In my case, the
initial severe vertigo—I was unable to read the clock while lying in bed
because it appeared to be spinning around the room—resolved without therapy as
my brain recognized that the signals it was getting from my inner ear were not
correct. But to fully recover, I have
needed the focused exercises prescribed by my therapist to help my brain learn
to disregard the incorrect messages from my damaged inner ear and to develop new
mechanisms to correctly determine my orientation in space.
As I have embarked on this therapeutic adventure and
experienced the awesome recovery work of my brain, it has occurred to me that
my experience in working to overcome vertigo is very much like the recovery
work needed to overcome the spiritual and emotional damage we sometimes
experience in our sinful world. When we
suffer neglect, abuse, and/or trauma, especially as children, the “inner ear”
of our heart becomes damaged, and it receives messages that are incorrect: “I
deserve this;” “This is my fault;” There is something wrong with me;” and “I am
bad” are a few examples of the default emotional responses that some of us have
developed as we have listened to the lies created by abuse or trauma. And these responses remain intact into
adulthood as our hearts continue to respond to faulty perceptions driven by
lies from our past.
Vertigo recovery begins when the brain begins to recognize
that the messages it is receiving from the inner ear are faulty. Emotional and spiritual recovery begins when
the individual begins to recognize that his or her default emotions, self-talk,
and perceptions about self and others cannot be trusted. This is truly as disorienting as
vertigo! And just like I have needed
help from a vestibular therapist, an individual recovering from abuse or trauma
needs others to recover. Sometimes a
therapist is important; but with or without a therapist, these individuals need
relationship with others who can help them experience God’s truth about
themselves. Slowly, over time, the lies
of shame can be recognized as lies and rejected, and the truth of value before
God can be embraced.
I have found vestibular therapy to be amazingly helpful but
also agonizingly frustrating. Even as I
make significant progress, there are times each day when my brain becomes
confused and I become disoriented and/or unbalanced. It is frustrating to know what the problem
is, to be working on treatment, and yet to continue to experience episodes that
are less than coordinated. My therapist
assures me that this is “normal,” but it seems and feels to me that I should be
making better—and faster—progress.
The same is even more true for the individual recovering
from past negative experiences. We may
feel that once we know the truth, we should be able to apply it consistently
and therefore recover quickly. But the
distance from head to heart can be a very long one, and it takes perseverance
over time to reject lies about who others say we are (either directly or by
their treatment of us) and embrace who God says we are. My therapist tells me that the strategies
that I am learning now will become automatic.
The same is true for recovery.
The strategies that we work so hard to learn will eventually become
automatic, and we will regain the spiritual and emotional balance and
coordination that we’ve lost. But again,
both types of recovery occur most effectively in the context of
relationship. Just as I need my
vestibular therapist to help me reteach my brain, so those who are recovering
need others to help them experience the truth of God’s personal love and grace
so that their hearts may re-learn—and then live in the light of—truth.